Touch
by Brandywine421
Summary: Language. Explores the possible ramifications of Ryan's experienced sexual history...
1. Milk

Disclaimer: I don't own anything OC related. 

AN: I'm busy today, I know, just blame it on the lack of OC yesterday. I've been working on this one for a while and it explores Ryan's mysterious sexual history and the ramifications that it may have on his life. I'm putting it as PG-13 because I can't write anything explicit (it makes me blush) but be aware that there are mentions of things that may be upsetting to younger readers. What else…hmm…enjoy! (And for people waiting for me to finish my other stories, trust me, I'm really working on them. Really.) 

Touch

"…Who's to blame

if you never saw it coming

yet you heard the bullet humming

but you never thought of running…

--"Fastlane" Singer unknown

Ryan knew how to touch a woman. He learned at an early age that girls liked him. A lot. He lost his virginity to a 25 year old on his thirteenth birthday, a present from his brother. He was already an expert at pleasing people, once he was introduced to sex; he found the thing he was best at. He knew how to touch them, where to kiss, what to say. But it was all mechanical. The women responded to his gentle hands and tongue, but he never felt anything. Sex never equaled love. Ryan had never known love. The closest he has come is his relationship with Marissa, but no matter how passionately she screamed his name in ecstasy, he only felt worse. Dirty. Like he was staining her. 

Summer asked Marissa at lunch one day, if everything is okay.

"With Ryan and me? Yeah. Great. Why?" Marissa asked.

"Well, I mean, you say everything's great and you're always talking about the sex..." 

"The sex is unbelievable..."

Summer motioned with her hands, "See? But Chino...you say he's not into it, like he's going through motions and that's off to me..."

"He won't say anything. That's what worries me. I mean, he keeps his mouth busy…"

"Ew…" Summer interjected.

"But he won't say my name and he won't look me in my eyes," Marissa continued quietly.

"Well, Seth says that he's worried about him. Says he's back to all-broody mode again."

"We haven't really been talking lately. I'll talk to him," Marissa said, thoughtful.

***** 

__

"I could be your baby doll

I could be your doll, baby

I could be the thing you want

I could do it all for you…"

"He's like milk to you…"

--Soul Coughing "St. Louise is Listening"

Kirsten dragged Seth and Ryan to the mall after school. She had noticed Ryan's somber mood and decided that new clothes will cheer him up.

Ryan and Seth were absently flipping through shirts a few feet away from Kirsten when the woman approached.

Seth was stricken by her obvious beauty. She looked to be in her late twenties or early thirties and could be a model with her perfect curves and makeup.

"Ryan. Holy shit," She said suddenly.

"Gloria? Hey…" Ryan reddened, recognizing the woman. She laughed before embracing him and kissing him deeply. Kirsten gasped, but didn't interrupt. Ryan pulled away.

"Hey, now."

"It's just been so long and you look so damn good…" She smiled.

Seth pulled his mother away from them, trying to help Ryan not incriminate himself further. Kirsten managed to keep within listening distance of Ryan. 

"Thanks, you too," Ryan replied.

"I haven't seen you around…"

"Yeah, I don't live in Chino anymore," Ryan muttered.

"Good for you. You legal yet? So I can marry you?" Gloria teased.

"My age isn't what kept us apart," Ryan replied coldly.

Gloria's enthusiasm faltered. "I saw your mom a couple of weeks ago."

"Really." Ryan didn't react. "So. I guess she's using again."

"Damn, bitter much?" Gloria replied.

Ryan shrugged. Kirsten had lost all color in her face by this point and Seth was struggling to keep her from rushing over.

Gloria sighed. "She's high. Wouldn't stop talking about you and how much she fucked up."

"Fuck you, Gloria," Ryan stated coldly. Seth and Kirsten had never heard Ryan's voice sound that cold. 

"Why are you making it be like this?" Gloria asked suddenly.

Ryan laughed dryly. "Do you remember the last time I saw you?"

"What?" She asked, confused.

"You don't remember because you had a straw so far up your nose that you couldn't tell the police your own name. And my mom almost died. We have nothing to say to each other anymore," Ryan said.

"Ryan…"

"You're full of shit." Ryan seemed to snap out of his anger for a moment and remembered his surroundings. "This is over." He grabbed a couple of shirts from the rack and disappeared into the men's dressing room. Gloria hesitated an instant and then left the store.

"I think…I'll go help Ryan…" Seth left his stunned mother beside the socks. Seth found Ryan leaning against the wall of the dressing area.

"Tell me that didn't just happen in front of your mom," Ryan said.

"First, wow. I want to know everything…"

"No, you don't," Ryan murmured. 

"How old is she?" Seth questioned.

"You don't want to know that either. What am I going to tell your mom?" Ryan asked, his eyes distant.

"Tell her that you've never seen her before," Seth replied. "But just to clarify, you did have sex with that woman, right?"

"I am not having this conversation," Ryan muttered.

"Why not?" Seth responded.

"Because it's not something I've proud of," Ryan said. He met Seth's gaze. "You know I've been with a lot of women."

"But not…I mean…" Seth stammered.

Ryan covered his face with his hand. "Gloria's damn beautiful, but she's rotten on the inside. She's like poison. She doesn't know how to do anything but use people for what she wants."

"What was that stuff about your mom?" Seth asked quietly.

"We met through Dawn. They were coke-buddies. She'd come over, get high with my mom, we'd fuck and then she'd leave," Ryan whispered. "The last time she came over, my mom OD'd. Gloria couldn't even call 911 because she was so wasted."

"Dude, I'm sorry…"

"Don't be sorry. Let's just get out of here."

***** 

Kirsten was too stunned to say anything to Ryan. She felt like she was finally getting to know him, but after overhearing the conversation with Gloria, she realized that she didn't know him as well as she thought. 

Once they unloaded their purchases, Ryan said he wasn't feeling well and retreated to the pool house.

Kirsten waited for Sandy, patiently, drinking a glass of Merlot to calm her nerves. Finally, he arrived home around ten.

"Sandy, I need to talk to you," She said after having accepted his kiss of greeting.

"What's wrong? What's happened?" Sandy asked immediately concerned.

"It's about Ryan." She reported the day's events to him slowly and then paused for his response.

*****


	2. Karma

***** 

__

"…got to launder my karma…"

"Battleflag"

When Ryan got up for school the next day, Sandy was sitting in the pool house when he returned from the shower.

"Am I in trouble?"

"We haven't had a chance to talk lately."

"Yeah? About what?"

"How're you doing, Ryan?"

"Fine. Everything's cool."

"Kirsten said you ran into an old friend the other day…" Sandy began.

Ryan sighed. "Gloria was never exactly a friend."

"But you…"

"What do you want me to say, Sandy? What are you asking me?" 

Sandy sighed. "She said that you were pretty upset to see her. That she knew your mother. Can you tell me about her?"

"I was pretty upset. Gloria…she was a friend of my mother's. We had a relationship. Not even a relationship." Ryan met his gaze evenly. "We had sex a lot."

Sandy nodded silently. "She's older than you."

"Yeah."

"Ryan…this is pretty uncomfortable but…how 'experienced' are you?"

"Why are you asking me all this?" Ryan replied.

"Because you're sixteen years old. The woman at the mall was at least…"

"She's thirty now, probably. She was twenty-eight when we were together. What does it matter?"

"Ryan…in a court of law, that's considered sexual abuse…" Sandy said quietly.

"It was voluntary," Ryan replied.

"And from a health perspective…if you've had multiple partners…"

"I get tested every three months, Sandy. I'm not stupid. I always use protection. The health department has my records down in Chino," Ryan interrupted. 

Sandy was surprised at Ryan's honest answer. The boy was clearly uncomfortable but his honesty was refreshing. Sandy wanted to bring up the subject of the cocaine use that the older woman had mentioned but the conversation had taken a different turn.

"I lost my virginity when I was thirteen. I've never had a girlfriend before Marissa but I've had a lot of girls," Ryan stated quickly. 

"How many, Ryan?"

"A lot. I didn't keep a count. It was just something to do."

"Sex isn't just something to do, Ryan," Sandy said quietly. 

"I know. I know that now. Its just…things were different then…it was a different time," Ryan replied. 

"You said Gloria was a friend of your mother's. Did your mother know?"

"Yeah. As soon as she found my condoms, she started turning her friends onto me," Ryan muttered. Sandy visibly recoiled from Ryan's statement.

"What?"

"It wasn't like that, Sandy…" Ryan said, seeing Sandy's reaction.

"Ryan, that is wrong in so many ways…"

"It's in the past. It wasn't a big deal. It's not a big deal."

"It is a big deal," Sandy replied. Ryan lowered his eyes. "You're not in trouble, Ryan, but as your…I'm like your father now and I need to know things like this…"

"But it changes what you think of me," Ryan interrupted. "You're looking at me now like I'm some kind of freak…"

"You're not a freak, Ryan. I think I understand you better now that I know more about your past."

"It doesn't matter. It's in the past. I'm not like that anymore."

"You and Marissa, you guys…you guys have a sexual relationship, don't you?" Sandy asked delicately.

He nodded slightly.

"And your past, it doesn't affect it at all?"

Ryan's eyes grew distant. He opened his mouth to speak, but stopped.

"Ryan?"

"She…I can't look at her. Like…I don't know what's wrong with me…but I just can't look at her…"

"What do you mean, Ryan?" Sandy asked quietly. 

Ryan wouldn't look at Sandy as he replied. "Like in her eyes…I can't do it. Sex is like…I don't really enjoy it, I'm just good at it…it makes her so happy but…it's never meant anything to me. It's just not a big deal, you know? It's just something to do."

Sandy nodded slowly, startled by Ryan's confession. "You just said a lot, Ryan. You said that you don't enjoy it."

Ryan put his hand over his face, affected. 

"Ryan, you can talk to me. We should talk about this and see how to fix it…"

"I need fixing now? I'm officially broken or something?" Ryan snapped. His face fell immediately, apologetic. 

"No, Ryan, that's not what I meant."

"I know. I'm sorry. I'm trying here. I should stop considering your reaction so far," Ryan replied.

"I want to help…"

"Before Kirsten saw Gloria yesterday, I didn't need any help. It sucks that it's changed just like that."

"Ryan. We were concerned that you had been abused before yesterday…"

Ryan stood up, his face cold. "This is over. This is done. I am not having this conversation."

"Ryan…"

"No. It's over now. You got what you wanted. I'm done." Ryan grabbed his jacket and his backpack and walked out of the pool house before Sandy could get to his feet.

"Dude…" Seth was standing on the patio, on his way to the pool house.

"I'm leaving. I'll walk to school…" Ryan said, his face red with emotion.

"Wait, meet me at the car, I'm ready," Seth said immediately, sensing the urgency. Ryan nodded, distracted and disappeared around the house.

Sandy appeared, clearly upset and looked at his son with a question on his face.

"No. I don't care. I'm going with Ryan. I'm not getting involved," Seth said. He followed Ryan's path to the car and Sandy heard them pull away.

***** 

Ryan wouldn't speak all the way to school. Seth parked the car and turned to him. "Dude. Are you going to tell me what's eating you?

"Your dad is flipping on me," Ryan stated suddenly. "It's always been cool between us, he's respected me and treated me like a normal kid…but now…after your mom told him how old Gloria was, he's totally flipping on me…"

"Like how?" Seth asked quietly.

"Like saying I was abused and shit…just because I was, like, fourteen and she was twenty-eight…I can't believe I told him that…I should have fucking lied…" Ryan muttered.

"You hate lying. You totally suck at it. You would have regretted that even more. I'm sorry about my Dad, dude, I didn't think he would flip like that. But…in his defense…we don't know anything about you."

"But at least when you find stuff out about me, it doesn't change the way you look at me, that's why I feel like I can tell you stuff," Ryan replied honestly. "Like yesterday when you were all proud of me for fucking Gloria, as soon as I told you I didn't want to talk about it, you like, understood that it was harsh and you dropped it."

Seth was surprised at the bond that Ryan had expressed to him. He knew that he trusted Ryan unconditionally, but he had no idea that Ryan felt the same way. 

"But your dad…he just kept picking at it until he got me to say something that made me look all fucking demented…" Ryan continued.

"He's a lawyer. He's trained to interrogate people. It's all he knows."

Marissa knocked on Ryan's window and they both jumped in surprise.

"What's going on?" She asked and leaned in for a kiss. 

Seth watched them with interest as all of Ryan's previous emotion drained from his face as he returned his girlfriend's kiss. When they separated, Seth couldn't see a trace of their intense conversation.

"You guys coming inside?" Marissa asked, oblivious.

"Yeah. Of course," Ryan replied and opened his door. He linked arms with Marissa and waited for Seth to join them.

***** 


	3. Sick

***** 

__

"When she said love…I won't feel sick…"

__

"…I didn't know how much you would take from me…"

__

"It seems that things, 

they could've been different

Can't change it…"

---3rd Eye Blind

After school, Ryan rode with Marissa to the apartment she shared with her father. Jimmy Cooper wasn't home and she unlocked the door and pulled Ryan inside. He closed the door behind him and when he turned around, she was in his arms, her mouth on his instantly.

He returned her kiss and his hands went to her head and he ran his fingers through her hair. Her hands were on his belt, deftly trying to free his pants. He pulled her shirt off and lowered his focus to kiss her neck and chest.

They finally rid themselves of clothes and moved to the couch. Marissa made quiet noises of approval while Ryan did everything that made her moan in approval. When they were finished and he was holding her in his arms, she looked back at him.

"Is everything okay?"

"What do you mean? What's going on?" Ryan asked.

"You've been extra quiet lately."

"You haven't wanted to talk that much lately," He replied, kissing her. 

"I haven't had anything to talk about. But if you want to talk, you know I'm here, right?" Marissa asked.

"We better get dressed before your dad gets home," Ryan said after a long pause. He got up and started to gather his clothes. 

"Are you okay? Seth was looking at you all weird today…" Marissa started.

"I had a fight with his dad," Ryan replied as he pulled on his jeans. 

"About what?"

"Stupid stuff. It's nothing. Everything's cool."

"You sure?"

"Yeah," Ryan answered with his back to her.

"Okay. But I'm here for you if you need to talk. About anything." She was suddenly behind him. She hugged him. "I mean it. You can trust me."

"I know. I do. It's nothing," Ryan repeated. He kissed her and they didn't talk anymore.

***** 

__

"…some things you cannot mend…"

"You let me down, I said it…

now I'm going down…

and you're not even around…"

--3rd Eye Blind "God of Wine"

Ryan didn't go into the main house when Marissa dropped him off, walking around the edge of the house. 

In the pool house, Seth was sleeping on the couch. Ryan had already figured that Seth would want to talk to him. Ryan tiptoed around him and dropped his backpack. He went to the bathroom and took a long, hot shower. He always felt like he had to cleanse himself after sex. After talking to Sandy, he knew that something was intrinsically wrong with him. He felt like his fears had finally been confirmed. He was broken. He had been spoiled and was rotten inside. Like Gloria. 

"Ryan? What are you doing in there?" Seth called through the locked bathroom door.

"Coming out," Ryan replied and opened the door. 

"You've been in there for, like, hours."

"Nah, dude, it's all in your head…" Ryan replied.

"You're shivering because you used all the hot water. Are you finally clean?" 

"I'll never be clean," Ryan muttered in response and walked by him.

"Are you okay?" Seth asked and his concern echoed through Ryan's panicked psyche.

"I don't know."

"You want to talk about it?"

"I don't know."

"What's going on?"

"I don't know," Ryan said. He sat down. "Man. My head's all fucked up."

Seth sat down beside him.

"So I went to Marissa's tonight."

"Yeah? How is Marissa?"

"Dude, something's wrong with me," Ryan whispered.

"Nothing's wrong with you," Seth responded instantly. 

"Yeah, Seth. There is. Are you fucking Summer?"

"What?" Seth paused.

"You heard me."

"Um, I guess. Yeah."

"And you like it."

"Well, yeah, dude, it's like…awesome," Seth replied, unsure of the conversation's direction.

"I don't like it."

"You don't like it. What, sex? Ryan, you don't like it? How can you not like it?" Seth asked, startled.

"I just don't. I'm good at it. I know what to do. I'm very well-trained, but it just…it makes me feel…dirty…"

"Even with Marissa?" Seth questioned cautiously.

"I can't explain it. It's like…I had more respect for her when we weren't having sex. But it makes her so happy and what am I supposed to say to her?"

"You should try and talk to her. I mean…if you really care about her," Seth said carefully, thinking.

"I do care about her. Which is why I don't understand…I mean, sex is supposed to be different when you're with someone you love…and I might love her, you know?" Ryan confessed quietly.

"But if you don't like it…then you don't like it. I don't like broccoli and no matter how hard I try, nothing's going to make it taste better."

Ryan regarded him and smiled. "Damn, Seth."

"What? So I'm not good with metaphors," Seth said. 

"No, you're definitely not. But you're a good friend. You're the brother I wish I had."

"Hey, I am your brother. In every way but a name," Seth grinned. "There are things thicker than blood, you know."

Ryan's mood darkened again as he turned his head away. 

"Don't panic, dude. We'll fix it. There's nothing that's unfixable."

"You think I need to be fixed, too?" Ryan asked.

"Not you, you're not broken, that's just fucked up," Seth remarked. "No, I mean, whatever's wrong, we'll fix it. We just have to work together."

Ryan sighed. 

"What?" 

"I can't fix my past. I can't change anything."

"But you can change things now. The past, it's gone. It's over. But look at all you've accomplished, dude. You've moved on. You can move past this, too."

Ryan nodded. "Thanks. I needed to hear that."

"So, what's up? What do you think?" Seth asked after a long silence.

"I think I need to think about some things…"

"Can I ask you something? Just between us? And you know it doesn't matter…" Seth started.

"Ask it, Seth. It's cool," Ryan replied, tensing up instinctively.

"The whole abuse thing…with the women, I can let it go, I mean, that's nothing…it's not abuse but did…but was it always like that? I mean, no one ever…no one ever raped you or anything…"

Ryan was quiet. "You mean, like, men?"

"I mean, did anybody ever take advantage of you, like, against your will? That's what I mean."

Ryan didn't respond. He was deadly quiet.

"I shouldn't ask, I'm sorry…" Seth said.

"No. I'm thinking." Ryan paused. "I'm thinking of the best way to answer you."

Seth waited silently.

Finally, Ryan sighed. "Sometimes, my mom would give me something to drink. Like, a Seven and Seven. Or a Jack and Coke. And I could hold my liquor, but the first drink would always knock me out. I'd wake up and…sometimes…there'd be someone with me. I'd be sore. Where I shouldn't be sore. I'd be hungover, but I wouldn't remember anything."

Seth nodded silently.

"A couple of times, I tried to fight," Ryan continued. " I mean, it wasn't fair because I would wake up with someone on top of me…that's not fair…but I was never strong enough…"

"She drugged you. She drugged you and let them…" Seth muttered, repulsed.

"Dude…" Ryan's face was pale.

"She's a bitch. I'm sorry if that makes you mad, but I can't respect your mother for doing that to you…I mean, she's your mom…and she let…" Seth whispered.

Ryan seemed relieved at Seth's revelation that his disgust was directed at Dawn instead of himself. 

"That sucks, dude," Seth said quietly.

"I know. At least I don't remember, you know? At least she gave me that," Ryan replied. 

"She shouldn't have done that to you," Seth stated.

"I know. But from my perspective, it wasn't like she was pimping me out. I mean, she cared enough to keep me oblivious…"

Seth glared at Ryan. "Don't defend her. She shouldn't have done that to you."

"I'm sorry, Seth…" Ryan began.

"It's not your fault…"

"But it is. You feeling bad for me, that's my fault. I'm cool," Ryan replied calmly.

"I do feel bad for you. I see this eating away at you…"

"I'm cool," Ryan whispered.

"Are you sure?" Seth responded. "Because I don't think I'd be cool if something like that had happened to me."

"It was a long time ago, Seth," Ryan stated. "There's a lot of stuff in my head that I just don't think about."

"You have to think about, Ryan. On some level, you have to be thinking of it…" Seth muttered.

"I just turn it off. I don't think about it. It's an acquired skill," Ryan snorted, his eyes distant.

"When Marissa came up today at school…is that what you did? You turned it off?" Seth asked.

Ryan looked at him. "I didn't know I did it today."

"If you can just turn it off, like shut away whatever's bothering you, then why don't you do that when you're with Marissa?" Seth asked.

"It's all about focus. But when I'm with Marissa…I can't get past the sex. I just do…I do what I always do and it works and it makes her happy but…I can't look at her."

"Dude, I'm sorry. I don't know anything about this shit…" Seth said after a long pause.

"I know. But you did ask for this conversation," Ryan muttered.

"But I'm not the best person to ask. Like…"

"Like Sandy, I guess. He's probably going to send me to counseling or something anyway because of fucking Gloria…"

"Well, earlier, I heard him talking to Mom and they weren't even talking about her. Dad's all pissed at your mom," Seth replied.

"Huh. Wonder if that's good or bad."

"Well, maybe you should go to counseling. I mean, it helped Marissa…"

"Marissa ate a bottle of painkillers in Mexico. She wasn't functional. I'm functional."

"As opposed to dysfunctional?" Seth replied quietly. 

"I mean that I don't have a huge problem that's affecting my life. I just have a few hang-ups…"

"Not liking sex, that's more than a simple hang up, man," Seth replied quietly. 

"You think?"

"Yeah. I think you should think about talking to somebody."

"I wouldn't even know how to do that. I can't even tell Marissa how I feel…" Ryan muttered.

There was a soft knocking on the door. "You guys coming in for dinner?" Kirsten asked from the door.

"Sure," Seth replied, standing up. Ryan followed him inside. They sat down at the table. Sandy glanced between the two boys but didn't speak, giving them each a slight nod.

"So how was school?" Kirsten asked. 

Seth immediately launched into a narrative of his day in order to keep his parents' focus off Ryan. Ryan didn't raise his head at all and ate in silence.

Once Seth's story ran down, Sandy turned to Ryan. "How was your day?"

"Fine," Ryan replied and met his gaze steadily.

"Where'd you go after school?" Sandy questioned.

"Marissa's," Ryan replied. The room was completely silent. The tension thickened exponentially. Ryan put his silverware down and announced, "I'm done."

"Ryan," Seth said quietly.

"This isn't the time or the place," Ryan replied to Seth. He took his plate into the kitchen and walked out of the house.

"Ryan's been talking to you?" Sandy questioned quietly.

"Yeah, you're not handling this as well as I expected, Dad. I almost had him convinced to talk to you before dinner," Seth scolded his father.

"Why does he need to talk to me?" Sandy questioned slowly, trying to see how much his son knows.

"You know why. Mom's too afraid to ask him for herself so she sends you. And you manage to twist him all up in knots. You guys were such good parents for me, I don't understand how you can push him away like this," Seth muttered. He went to his room. 

"So. What are we going to do?" Sandy asked.

"Well, after hearing what Seth just said, maybe I should talk to him," Kirsten stated slowly. "Maybe he'd feel more comfortable talking to a woman."

"I don't know…I felt like I made a lot of progress with him this morning but it was all for nothing as soon as I brought up the word 'abuse'. How do you feel talking to him?"

"I don't think I've ever really talked to him, Sandy. I've…I've been leaving that up to you. I guess it's about time I got involved in his life."

"Kirsten, you're a great mother…" Sandy started.

"But if that woman had approached Seth like that, I would have questioned him until his ears bled. But with Ryan, I just left it until you had time to talk to him. I can't let you be the only parent in his life."

"Kirsten, you might make it worse…"

"Or I might make it better," She shrugged. She embraced Sandy and started toward the pool house. 

***** 


	4. Sugar

***** 

"…How do I feel?

What do I say?

In the end, it all goes away…"

--System of a Down "Sugar"

Ryan walked out of the bathroom and spotted Kirsten's blonde hair sitting on his bed. "Tag team?"

"What?" She asked, confused.

"You and Sandy are pulling a tag team. It got too rough for him so he sent you in to relieve him," Ryan explained. He didn't sit beside her, instead, he chose to sit down on the edge of the couch facing her.

"No, Ryan. I just realized, well, Seth made me realize, that I shouldn't have sent Sandy to talk to you about that woman in the mall…"

"Her name is Gloria. And I'm sure Sandy's already told you about our conversation this morning so I don't have to repeat any of it. What do you have to add? More questions about how those women abused me?" Ryan asked, anxious to end the conversation as soon as possible.

"More like why you let them take advantage of you. Abuse is such a strong word, I think Sandy used it a lot during his job with the public defender's office and he throws it around without thinking of the way he's using it."

"I was in a different place then, things were different then," Ryan said quietly. 

"Explain that, Ryan. Tell me what things were like then," Kirsten urged.

Ryan was silent. His eyes were lowered to the carpet.

"Ryan?" She called after a long silence. 

"I'm thinking," He responded. "Okay. So, I don't know how things were at your house when you were a kid, but judging from the way you treat Seth, I'm going to say that your home life was pretty…non-dysfunctional." He paused. "But my house was different. There was no parenting. If you had a problem, you solved it yourself. If you were sick, you took care of yourself. Trey taught me everything I knew about girls."

"But Sandy said that your mother…" Kirsten started.

"I met older girls because I stuck pretty close to Trey. I got used to being with older women and I rarely messed with girls my own age because I wasn't used to them, they weren't mature enough or whatever. I was never home unless I was sleeping. Dad was gone by the time I was eleven so Mom's boyfriends and drug buddies were always around and that usually wasn't fun. I drank a lot, then. I'd hang out with Trey and his friends but he started getting into harder stuff and I wasn't into that. Mom just mentioned to a few of her friends that 'little Ryan was a man'. So some of them started coming onto me. I didn't know how to say no, and I didn't think I was expected to. Like, Mom would want to be alone with whatever guy she was with and she didn't want to be rude to her company so they'd come see me. In her mind, I was going to do it anyway." Ryan snorted. "We got condoms and cigarettes for Christmas, Kirsten, so at least she was looking out for us."

Kirsten didn't reply immediately.

"I know it's fucked up, but it was all I knew. I know different now."

"So your mother…she thought it was okay for you to be having sex with women her own age…"  
"Mom…Damn, Kirsten, she didn't care. The only time she really cared about anything having to do with us was when we got into trouble or when she needed something. I mean, if she needed money, she would be so sweet…" Ryan's eyes were distant when she met his gaze. "If she needed somebody to go to battle for her, she would be nice."

"Your mom, she used drugs," Kirsten stated.

"Present tense. She uses drugs. That's one of the reasons seeing Gloria has me so sprung. She had cleaned up a little in the past year or so. She'd stopped using as much. No more coke. No more junk. She was still drinking, but she had slowed up on the hard stuff. I hate to think of her getting hooked again…" Ryan paused. "But I guess you never really get unhooked."

"I don't…I don't know what to say. Thank you for being honest with me," Kirsten said quietly. 

"I'm not the same kid I used to be. I know that life…it's not supposed to be like that. Family is not supposed to be like that. Sex…is not supposed to be like that," Ryan said quietly.

"You're right. And the fact that you realize that is a huge thing…" Kirsten began.

"Seth says I need counseling," Ryan said.

"Really? What do you think?"

"I don't know. Talking about it doesn't really change anything. It just makes me think about it more. I think I should focus on moving on with my life instead of dragging up old history," Ryan replied.

"But your past affects you."

"I know. I'm seeing that more and more. But like I was telling Sandy this morning, I'd rather you guys knew nothing about me because then you wouldn't judge me."

"We're not judging you, Ryan, we're trying to understand who you are. You're a part of our family, now. You have to know that seeing Gloria…it was strange for me. Seeing her kiss you like…"

"Like we were lovers. I'm sorry. I wasn't expecting her," Ryan apologized.

"I know. And you made it clear that you weren't happy to see her. What happened between you and her the last time you saw her?" Kirsten asked.

"She was getting high with my mom and I…I went out for a while. When I came back, my mom had overdosed and Gloria was so stoned that she didn't even know. I called the ambulance because Mom was beyond anything that I could do for her and I kicked Gloria out of the house so she wouldn't get busted," Ryan replied.

"You…you said your mom was beyond anything that you could do for her…what does that mean?" Kirsten asked.

"Usually, if she hit the coke or the smack too hard, I'd put her in the shower or we'd stick her with epinephrine but…but she was turning blue and I didn't know what to do for her. It was the first time that I couldn't help her. God, she was pissed when she got out," Ryan snorted.

"Why?" Kirsten asked.

"'Cause she was on probation and they always call the cops when there's drugs involved. I cleaned out the house before I even considered calling 911," Ryan replied. 

She nodded slowly.

"I'm sorry, Kirsten. I hate that you and Sandy are so upset about my past."

"Can I ask you something that might upset you? And you won't get upset?"

"You sound like Seth. And you probably have the same question that he had," Ryan replied, quietly.

"Really?" Kirsten was surprised.

"You want to know if there was any other…abuse…right?"

Kirsten nodded.

Ryan sighed. "What would you say if I said that I don't recall?"

"I'd say you were lying to me. And you don't lie," Kirsten replied immediately.

Ryan lowered his gaze. "A few times…my mom drugged me and I knew that something happened while I was out."

"Something happened?" Kirsten probed. 

"I'll tell you what I told Seth. My mom would give me a drink. I'd fall asleep. I'd wake up and I'd be sore where I shouldn't be sore."

"And you don't remember anything."

"I remember waking up a few times and having people with me…but I couldn't fight back…whatever she gave me was really strong and made me lose all my strength," Ryan stated slowly. 

"Ryan," Kirsten said quietly.

"Talking about it doesn't make it disappear, Kirsten. It just makes me remember. It can't be changed," Ryan shrugged, his discomfort very evident. He stood up and started to pace. 

"Ryan, I don't mean to make you uncomfortable but…"

"But you're my parent now and you need to hear these things, yeah, I got that speech from Sandy. You, Sandy and Seth, you guys should just have a meeting so you don't repeat yourselves…" Ryan muttered.

"Ryan. Please."

"Please what? Please keep talking? I can guarantee that I've talked more today than any other day in my life. I just don't understand what you guys are getting out of this…" Ryan muttered.

"Hopefully a better understanding of who you are, Ryan. You're…there's nothing wrong with you, Ryan. You're a well-adjusted, intelligent young man that has a shitty past. But the things you told me tonight…those things affect you. You're quiet. Introverted. You have trust and intimacy issues…"

Ryan snorted.

"Ryan, people live with their pasts every day. If a counselor could help you, wouldn't you want to be helped?" Kirsten asked.

"You're asking me if I want to go to counseling. You're not telling me?" Ryan asked slowly.

"I'm asking you to think about what you need to feel better. You haven't been yourself lately and something is obviously bothering you…"

Ryan lowered his gaze but stopped pacing. 

"And if its something like…something that Sandy and I aren't capable of helping you with, we'll do whatever it takes to make you better."

He nodded slowly.

Kirsten sighed. She realized that Ryan was trembling. She got up to embrace him but he immediately took several steps away from her. 

"Okay, Ryan. Thanks for talking to me. Are you okay?" She sighed, accepting of his need for space.

"I'll be fine. Thanks. I'll think about what you said," Ryan said quietly.

***** 

Ryan met Seth in the kitchen for breakfast the next morning. 

"Hey," Seth nodded. 

"Hey," Ryan replied.

"You okay?"

"I'm tired. I'm tired of talking and I'm tired of thinking," Ryan sighed. 

"So…" Seth started.

"So I'm going to talk to Marissa today. After school. See…I'm going to try and talk to her…" Ryan said quietly.

"I'm glad. She's going to understand, Ryan. She cares about you…" Seth started.

"I guess we'll see," Ryan muttered. "Are you ready? I really don't want to face your parents today until I have to…" 

"Sure. Let's go," Seth agreed.

***** 

Seth was sitting with Summer at lunch and he watched Ryan carefully from across the quad at school. Seth and Summer have been dating for several weeks.

"What's going on?" Summer asked.

"Nothing," Seth replied, not taking his eyes off his friend. He watched as Marissa approached Ryan and embraced him. Marissa kissed him deeply.

"Seth?" Summer urged. "Come on. Talk to me." She followed his gaze. "You're still worried about Ryan?"

"Yeah."

"Well, I asked Marissa about it and she said she was going to talk to him. Yesterday she asked him if everything was copacetic and he said that it was fine…" Summer explained.

"He's supposed to try and talk to her tonight," Seth replied quietly.

"What's going on?" Summer questioned.

"I can't talk about it. It's Ryan's thing. I can't…" Seth sighed. 

"I won't say anything…"

"I can't say, Summer, don't ask me to." He paused. "She's all over him…" He remarked, still watching Ryan and Marissa's exchange across the quad. 

"He won't mind…"

"Summer, drop it, god…" Seth grabbed his lunch and stormed away. 

***** 

After school, Marissa gave Ryan a ride to her house so they could study. Jimmy wasn't home. 

Marissa hadn't noticed Ryan's somber mood. She was used to his quiet nature by now and his increased silence had not alerted her to anything wrong. As soon as they dropped their books on the table, she had reached out for him, took his hands and tried to pull her against him.

"Marissa, wait…" Ryan started.

"We don't have much time, baby, before my dad gets home…" Marissa replied. She ignored his words and kissed him. 

"Marissa…can we talk first?" Ryan asked when her lips released him.

"We can talk later…" She responded. She continued to kiss him. Marissa started to pull his shirt off when she realized that he wasn't responding. "What?"

Ryan's blue eyes were glazed as he met her gaze.

"What is it?"

"I can't do this today," He said quietly. He stepped back slowly, out of her reach.

"Ryan, what…what's wrong?"

"I just can't do this today…" He picked up his backpack and started to rush to the door.

"Ryan, wait, Ryan!" She chased him to the open door and grabbed his arm. "Wait…we can talk…"

Ryan's face was pale and his eyes were distant and full of pain. 

"I'm sorry, Ryan, I'm sorry. Come back in and talk to me…okay?" She pulled on his arm.

"I…" Ryan opened his mouth to speak but no words came out. 

"What is it, baby?" She asked. Finally, he accepted her embrace and put his arms around her.

"I'm sorry…"

"What? Ryan?" She questioned, panicked. She had never seen him look vulnerable before. She had never seen him shaking with emotion. She'd never seen him show emotion before. She held him against her.

"I'm so sorry…" He whispered. She kissed him suddenly, anxious to do anything to get him to relax. He started to pull away but finally relaxed into her embrace. He returned her kiss, urgently. They closed the door with their bodies.

They didn't speak. Several minutes later, Ryan rolled off of Marissa with a gasp. He rushed to the bathroom and Marissa dressed as she listened to him vomiting. She went to the bathroom but the door was locked. 

"Ryan?" She called. Finally, the sound of his retching slowed. He opened the door, pale. "Are you all right?"

"No. I'm not," He replied honestly. "I need to go." He pulled his shirt on and was dressed in a matter of moments. 

"Ryan, wait, what's going on?"

"I…can you give me some space?" He asked finally.

"What? No, why?"

"I need…I need to go…" 

She didn't have time to catch him as he rushed from the apartment.

***** 

Ryan walked into the pool house without going through the main house. He immediately went to the bathroom and threw up again. He felt sick. He wanted to talk to Marissa, he wanted to explain that he needed a break to work through all his issues, but when she had started to touch him…he couldn't stop himself. He failed. 

He was used to failing but this was new. He had a mission to talk to Marissa and he failed. This was really important and he couldn't…he couldn't tell her. He couldn't talk to her. He threw up again.

Tonight wasn't the first time that sex had made him physically sick. Several times in the past he had felt so disgusted with himself that he had become violently sick. The difference this time was that he knew that Seth would question his sickness and immediately connect it to his recently discussed issues. He regretted telling them anything at all. 


	5. Lost

AN: So I've taken a sabbatical from writing fanfic for a while but I did manage to type up this new chapter of Touch (from a handwritten note, so it's new to you and not to me). I should be updating everything in a month or so once I get things in order again. Thanks to all the readers and people that have taken the time to review. Hope this chapter will tide you guys over for a while!

He heaved again but there was nothing left in his stomach. The bathroom was peaceful. When he had drank or gotten fucked up in the past, he had always found his bearings in the bathroom. Something about so much light in such a little area. Ryan got up and examined himself in the mirror as he undressed. Faded scars on his lower back had escaped Marissa and countless other lovers' attentions. Tight muscles from sit-ups, push-ups and pull-ups had become his trademark when he turned twelve. He would exercise and channel all his anger. It used to work. 

Ryan got into the shower. He made sure to make it quick. He dressed and when he stepped into the main room he found Seth sitting on his bed.

"Hey," Ryan said.

"Marissa called. Said you got sick. I told her I would check on you."

"I tried to talk to her but I just…I flaked," Ryan stated.

"What happened? Did you tell her anything?" Seth asked.

"I didn't get the chance. She started kissing me, I freaked and tried to leave…"

"And?" Seth asked. "She didn't ask you why?"

"She started kissing me again," Ryan replied.

Seth shook his head. "So when did you get sick?"

Ryan looked at him.

"Oh. Oh." Seth paused. "You've got to talk to her, dude."

"What am I supposed to say? I don't want to have sex with you because it makes me sick?" Ryan sat down. 

"Definitely don't tell her that," Seth replied.

"I told her I needed some space. She said no. I said I had to go," Ryan said quietly.

"She wants you to call her," Seth stated. He held out the phone. Ryan took it. He dialed Marissa's number. A quick glance at Seth settled him back into his seat to listen.

"Hey. Marissa." Ryan's voice was low.

"Hey. What happened to you?"

"I'm sick."

"What's wrong? Ryan, you can talk to me…"

"I can't," Ryan replied. Seth shook his head, imagining the conversation from his one side.

"I don't know what you need me to do…" Marissa said, frustrated.

"I need some space…"

"Why? What did I do?"

"Nothing, it's nothing to do with you…I'm going through some stuff…"

"What stuff? Why do you need space from me? It must have to do with me if you need space from me…"

"God, Marissa…" Ryan whispered and covered his face.

"Ryan, I need you, you can't ask me to just leave you alone…that's not fair…"

"I don't know what to do…I can't…" Ryan lost his voice.

"Talk to me!" Marissa said urgently.

Ryan hung up the phone. His hands were shaking. 

"Damn, man. This sucks." Seth sighed. The phone rang. Seth took it from his hand and put it to his ear. Ryan laid down on the bed and covered his head with a pillow.

"Hello?" Seth answered the phone.

"Seth? I need to talk to Ryan."

"Ryan's sick, he's in the bathroom," Seth told Marissa. 

"It's important," Marissa said.

"He can't talk if he's vomiting," Seth replied.

"You know what's going on. Tell me what I did…"

"I don't know. I'll tell Ryan you called," Seth sighed.

"Seth?"

"Yeah?"

"Is he okay?"

"Yeah. Bye." Seth hung up the phone.

"Thanks," Ryan said from the bed.

"Are you going to be okay?" Seth asked.

"Yeah. But I'm skipping dinner. My stomach's thrashed." Ryan's voice was muffled from under the pillow.

"All right. I'll come check on you later," Seth said, standing up.

"Thanks."

As soon as Seth was out of sight, Ryan returned to the bathroom and vomited.

***** 

__

"Every now and then I get like this

And it isn't hard to see

That the old man in the kitchen

I think he's part of me

Don't say nothing about the old house

'Cause I burned it to the ground

And when the darkness comes I'll lie awake

Playing lost and found…"

--Pete Yorn

Ryan woke up with Marissa standing over him.

"Hey."

"Hey," Ryan replied. She sat down on the bed.

"How do you feel?"

"Better."

"Want to talk?" She asked after a beat.

"It's kind of early. I still don't have my head together," He replied quietly.

"I can wait," She countered.

Ryan sat up and sighed. "Marissa, look…"

She nodded. She reached for his hand and he pulled it away.

"Don't…don't touch me yet…"

Her face flashed with hurt.

"I…I'm having some…god…I can't explain…"

"You don't want me to touch you…what am I supposed to think?" Marissa whispered.

"It's not like that, God, you're beautiful…"Ryan replied, frustrated.

"Then explain it to me, Ryan…give me a chance…" Marissa pleaded.

Ryan turned away. He looked at the floor as he spoke. "Something's wrong with me. All I want is to be with you…but I've got some things I need to work through and it's not fair to you…"

"Ryan…"

"It's not fair to you for me to be with you…"

"That doesn't make sense, baby," She replied.

"I need to get my head together before I can be with you anymore," Ryan said quietly.

"Can't I help you get your head together?" Marissa whispered, stricken.

"…No…" Ryan replied.

Seth appeared at the door. 

Marissa shook her head. She slapped Ryan hard across the face.

Ryan didn't react as she rushed past Seth out of the poolhouse.

"Hey…you okay?" Seth asked.

"I'm fine. Everything worked out," Ryan said, his voice distant. 

"Ryan…"

"It's fine. It's easier this way."

"But…you love her…" Seth protested.

"I barely fathom the concept of love," Ryan replied coldly. "You can't lose what you never had."

"Dude…"

"I'm going to go get ready for school. I'll see you in the house." Ryan climbed out of bed and retreated to the bathroom.

***** 

Ryan went into the house and made himself a bowl of cereal. 

"Morning, Ryan. How do you feel? Seth said you were sick last night."

"I'm okay," Ryan shrugged to Kirsten. She put her the back of her hand against his forehead. He flinched slightly but she held it there.

"You're a little hot. You sure you feel okay?"

"Yeah."

"I'm going to get the thermometer just in case…"

"Kirsten…"

"Humor me," She said before disappearing into another room.

When Seth came into the kitchen, Ryan has a thermometer in his mouth. 

"Mom got you?" Seth asked.

Ryan nodded. Kirsten walked in and took the thermometer from Ryan.

"It's a little high, Ryan. You sure you feel okay to go to school?" Kirsten asked, concerned.

"You do look a little green," Seth said quietly.

Ryan glanced at the bowl of cereal and felt his stomach lurch. "I am still a little nauseous," He admitted.

"That's it then. I'll call the school and tell them you're sick. Seth can get your homework for you. I'll give you some ibuprofen and you're going back to bed," Kirsten stated, happy that her will was being done. 

Seth stuck his tongue out playfully at Ryan who returned the gesture with his middle finger. 

***** 

"Seth, what the hell is going on around here? Marissa says Ryan broke up with her…" Summer said after she had kissed him hello.

Seth didn't reply. He was upset that Marissa couldn't get past her 'girlfriend' issues long enough to let Ryan explain to her what was wrong. He expected Marissa to be a better friend to Ryan. He was hoping that Marissa could actually be someone Ryan could talk to.

"Seth? What happened?" Summer asked. She pulled him to the side of the hallway. "They, they were like, so happy together…"

"She should have tried a little harder to listen to him instead of going ballistic on him. It's hard for him to talk about anything and the fact that he was trying so hard to talk to her…she should have listened…she just made everything worse…" Seth muttered. He shook off Summer's arm and walked away.

Summer was stunned. Marissa had been upset but Summer had thought that it was just a simple spat. After seeing Seth's reaction to her questioning, she knew that it was really serious. 

***** 

Ryan was sick again. He had slept soundly through the night but after Kirsten told him he could stay home from school to rest, he had been puking since. He had managed to hide from Kirsten so far but when he left the bathroom after being sick for the fourth time in an hour, she was waiting for him.

"I told you to come get me if you felt worse, Ryan," She scolded. 

"It's nothing, I'm just a little nauseous," He replied.

"Sit down." She walked over to him after he sat down and put her hand against his forehead again. "I think your fever's going up. I'm going to call the doctor…"

"I don't need a doctor, Kirsten. Really. I'm okay," Ryan sighed. 

"You're sick, Ryan…"

"Not physically," He muttered. "I'm sick of me…"

"Ryan. You're running a fever, this has nothing to do with…"

"Give me a few hours and I promise I'll be better," Ryan pleaded.

"Ryan. Look, I'm going to call the doctor and see what he recommends, okay? Final word," Kirsten stated. 

He waved his hand in frustration as she stood up. She started walking toward the door. She stopped. "Did something happen between you and Marissa, Ryan?"

"There is no 'me and Marissa'," He replied quietly. 

"What?" Kirsten gasped. "Ryan, you guys have been going out for weeks…"

"It's just too much for me right now," Ryan said.

"Did you try and talk to her?" Kirsten asked.

"I tried. I can't. She won't give me space, she won't listen so this is the next step. It's cool. It's for the best," Ryan remarked quietly. "It's not a big deal."

"Lie down, Ryan. I'll see what the doctor recommends," Kirsten said. She walked out of the pool house and went into the house. She had lots to ask the doctor about when she called. 


	6. Visible

***** 

__

"Don't live too fast

troubles will come and they will pass…"

--Lynyrd Skynyrd

"Marissa, what exactly happened? Because Seth's…he's really upset about this," Summer told Marissa at lunch. Seth had disappeared to the library. 

"Why would Seth be upset?"

"Because whatever's bothering Ryan really must be bigger than you. Maybe you should have tried harder to find out what's bothering him."

"I tried to touch him, Summer and it was like I burned him. He flinched, Summer."

"Maybe it's some kind of sex thing. Didn't you say he freaked out yesterday?"

"Yeah, at first he was like, pulling away and he started to leave but…after a few minutes, he was into it…" Marissa said quietly.

"Into it? Really?"

"It was…it's always good, Summer. The boy always gets me off…" She whispered, flushing. 

"Something weird is going on…" Summer said. "Did you ask him why he tried to leave?"

"He shut down, he like, he got sick right after we were done and left…When I talked to him last night, he was…he wouldn't say anything. Then today, he…he said that it wasn't fair to me to have to be with him right now. He said that he was going through some stuff and that he needed space…"  
"Why didn't you give him space?" Summer questioned.

"You're supposed to be on my side here," Marissa replied.

"I'm not picking sides, Coop, I'm trying to figure this out. I mean, if you really care about him and this is important to you then I think…"

"I shouldn't have slapped him…I just…its like he used me and now that he's tired of me…" Marissa tried to put her reasoning into words.

"Sounds like you're using him, Coop. He tried to say no yesterday and you were too caught up in the moment to listen to him. I mean…" Summer replied.

"I need to talk to him," Marissa admitted. "I'm being a bitch."

"It's Chino, Marissa. When does he ever voluntarily ask to talk to you? I mean, that alone is a pretty big thing," Summer added.

Seth appeared. He nodded to Marissa and gave Summer a quick kiss. "I'll see you after school…"

"Seth?" Marissa called.

"I need to get to class," Seth replied.

"Where's Ryan?"

"He's sick. Maybe if you had taken the time to talk to him, you'd know that," Seth replied coldly. He walked away.

"He won't tell me what's going on either," Summer sighed. "They're really protective of each other."

"I'm going to go over there…" Marissa started.

"He asked you for space so you're going over there again? After you just told me that you slapped him? Maybe you should give him a couple of days, Coop," Summer suggested immediately.

"I don't want to lose him, Summer, not over something…not like this…we've come too far for me just to throw it all away because he can't communicate with me…" Marissa protested. 

"Just give him a day or two, Coop. The way Seth talks, it takes him a while to get his words together. Seth says he usually asks him something and then gives him a few days to come up with an answer…I always thought he was joking, but…give him a few days, Coop. If it's meant to be…it'll work out," Summer said. 

***** 

__

"Going to get a new tattoo

Black and twisting around my arm

Like a life that is visible and real…"

--Everclear

Kirsten knocked quietly on the door to the pool house. She stepped inside after there was no response. Ryan was lying facedown on the bed, muttering in his sleep. His muscles were tense with distress but she couldn't understand his words. She sat down beside him and put her hand on his shoulder. He sat up immediately, his blue eyes clouded with panic.

"Shh…you're just having a bad dream," Kirsten said quietly.

He didn't respond immediately. He nodded after a beat before rushing from the room to the bathroom to vomit. Kirsten waited patiently for him at the bed. 

Ryan returned. He sat down beside her. "So I guess I'm sick."

"At least you're acknowledging it now. The doctor says that it's probably just a virus and that we should keep you hydrated," Kirsten said quietly, brushing a strand of blond hair out of his face. 

"So I don't have to go?"

"I won't make you go if you start feeling better…"

"I feel better already…" Ryan replied. He gave her a weak smile. 

"I want you to stay in bed, Ryan, and I'll bring you out some soup…"

"No food. I'm tired of throwing up…how about some juice?" Ryan suggested. 

"Okay. For now. Lie down. I'll be back…" Kirsten said. 

"Kirsten. Thank you."

"It's my job, kid. Get used to it," Kirsten smiled.

**** 

Ryan felt like he was waterlogged a few hours later. Kirsten had been bringing him juice and tea every half hour and it was all he could do to keep it down. Now, he felt like he was floating in juice and he couldn't sleep due to his pounding headache. He couldn't tell whether his head hurt worse with his eyes open or closed. He buried his face in the pillow and swallowed his nausea. 

"Ryan?"

Ryan recognized Marissa's voice. He waved a hand as he sat up slowly. "Hey."

"Hey. You're really sick," Marissa said.

"Yeah," Ryan replied. 

"Can we talk?"

"Do I have any choice?" Ryan replied quietly. 

"Yeah. You do. Did I have any choice when you dumped me?"

"It isn't working, Marissa…"

"Why? Because I wouldn't listen to you? I'm sorry…I was with Luke for years, and we…we never talked at all. I dump all my issues on you and I guess I got used to you not having any…" Marissa began.

"I have issues, Marissa. I just don't need to talk about them," Ryan replied slowly. 

"But you tried and I…I was caught up in the moment and I shut you down. And I'm sorry. This morning…I was so upset…I'm terrified of losing you, Ryan, and I overreacted…" Marissa continued. 

"I'm sorry, too. I'm getting hit with a lot…a lot of my baggage that I stuffed under the rug is coming back to haunt me…" Ryan admitted. 

"Will you talk to me? I promise that I'll listen…I love you, Ryan…"

"Don't say that…"

"Why? Why not, baby?" Marissa started to reach for him but stopped herself. "Will you give us a chance?"

Ryan sighed. She walked over to the bed and sat down beside him. 

"Please. Trust me."

"I don't know how to say this, Marissa…"

"Just say it," She urged.

Ryan was trembling. "I like you, Marissa…I love you…you're beautiful and amazing and…and I want to be with you but…"

"But what?"

"I'm really messed up," Ryan whispered.

"Messed up? Can I get a little more than that?" She replied, putting an arm around him. 

"There's no way to say this…but…you know I've been with a lot of girls…women…" He started.

"Yeah, Ryan. I know, but you said that you were always safe and we're always safe," She said. 

"It's not that…its me…I…the sex…it's like…I don't get anything out of it…it's just something that I know how to do…it's like…it's like eating or breathing…it comes automatically…" Ryan whispered.

Marissa paled. "Ryan…are you serious? You don't like…you don't like making love to me?"

"I don't know how to make love, Marissa…and it's not just you…I've never liked it…I just feel dirty…disgusting…its sex…I can't get past it…I try…I try to see you when we're together…but my brain just shuts off and I can't see anything…"

"That's why you got sick yesterday…I pushed you too hard…baby…I'm so sorry…" She pulled him into an embrace.

"Marissa…I'm sorry…" He whispered as she held him tightly against her. He put his arms around her after a moment.

"It's not your fault, okay? We'll work through this…together…you need some space and I'll give it to you…but please don't ask me to let you go…I can't lose you…I want you…I need you…I want to help you get through this…" She released him for a moment and looked into his eyes. "I want to be the first woman you make love to. I can wait as long as you need."

"I don't want you to have to wait…" Ryan replied.

"I don't care. I want to be with you. I love you. You helped me through one of the roughest times in my life and I want to be there for you…will you let me try at least?" Marissa whispered.

Ryan simply nodded and buried his face into her shoulder. She rubbed his back. "I'm sorry…"

"Me, too…" She replied. He stood up abruptly and rushed to the bathroom. Sick. She waited on his bed but he didn't return immediately. Kirsten stepped in.

"Marissa. Is everything okay?" Kirsten asked immediately.

"Are you going to help him?" Marissa asked. 

Kirsten set the tray she was carrying on the counter. "He talked to you?"

"Yeah. He told me…about his baggage."

"We're going to help him, Marissa. As much as he'll let us," Kirsten said. 

Marissa nodded. "He's sick."

"Can I call you later, Marissa?" Ryan asked, stepping back into the room, pale. 

"Sure," Marissa smiled. She gave him a chaste kiss on the cheek as he sat down heavily on the bed. "Bye, Kirsten." She left.

"So…you and Marissa are going to work it out?"

"She wants to try," Ryan replied. He stretched out on the bed and pulled a pillow over his face. 

"You're not feeling any better?"

"My headache's getting worse…" Ryan replied.

"You have a headache?" Kirsten asked.

"Goes along with being sick," Ryan muttered. He sighed. "I'm still sick."

"You need to rest. Come inside and try the guestroom. I want to keep my eye on you and take your temperature," Kirsten said. Ryan followed her obediently into the main house. 

Kirsten took his temperature and saw that his fever was getting higher. She put him to bed in the guestroom with some aspirin and left the door open so she could keep watch on him. 

***** 

Ryan sat up abruptly, drenched in sweat.   
"Ryan?"

He glanced at Kirsten with panicked eyes. 

"Ryan."

"I'm okay," He said a few minutes later. "Bad dream."

Kirsten left the chair beside his bed and came to his side. "You sure you're okay?"

"Yeah. I think so. For once." He got up and went to the bathroom. When he returned, his hair was damp from where he had washed his face. 

"Feel like something to drink?" Kirsten asked.

"Okay," He replied and went into the kitchen.

She poured him a tall glass of juice. He took a tentative sip and met her steady gaze. "What?"

"Can I take your temperature?" She asked.

"You just did, a little while ago," Ryan replied.

"You've been asleep for six hours," Kirsten said.

"God…you sat with me the whole time?" Ryan asked, startled.

"Of course. You had me a little worried but I'm pretty sure your fever broke," Kirsten responded, holding out a thermometer.

Ryan accepted it in his mouth. 

"Your color's coming back, I think," She commented as she looked at the thermometer a few minutes later. 

"Do I pass?"

"Yes, you do. Your fever's down. How's your head?"

"Better. I feel better, Kirsten. About everything," He admitted.

"Speaking of…the everything…will you talk to someone?" Kirsten asked quietly.

"Like…a therapist? A shrink?" Ryan asked in reply.

"Yeah, Ryan. A professional," Kirsten replied.

Ryan paused, his blue eyes unreadable. 

"Ryan?"

"Yeah. I'll go. Whatever you think is best. But…will you find me someone that's not a quack?" Ryan asked.

"Yes, Ryan. Sandy and I will get some names together and you can pick from them. Don't worry about anything, okay?" Kirsten said.

Ryan nodded. He took a long swallow of juice. "I'm going to go lie down again. Where do you want me?" 

"You can go back to the pool house if you feel like it. I'll come down and check on you later," Kirsten suggested.

"Thanks, Kirsten. For everything."

"You're welcome, baby. Now go get some rest," She smiled. 

Ryan made his way slowly to the pool house and collapsed on his bed. For the first time in days, he really felt like things might be okay. For once, things might be okay. 

Fin


End file.
